Whatever Happened to 2014?

Admittedly 2014 got off to a rough, heartbreaking start - not just for me, but for someone I loved as well.  I suppose it shouldn't be surprising that the rest of the year seemed to follow suit.  Plenty of highlights and happy moments, most of which were overshadowed by a number of great losses that I know will continue to take some time to recover from.
I'd like to think that 2015 will be better but I suspect the shadows of this year will be cast long into the next. Broken hearts take time and space to heal and at this point in my life I know better than to rush into making any decisions. And there is no rush - I've begun to realize that a partnership based on love may not be in the cards for me.  Perhaps it's time to be more practical and economical about 'love'.
I'm probably being a bit hard on myself and on my heart - it's the time of year for that.  When the holidays roll around and you have a 'free' week between Xmas and New Years there is obviously a tendency to reflect more.  As I said, 2014 was a rough one for the heart.  So I suppose it's no great surprise that my reflections would lead me down a sad, melancholic path.
I can only hope that 2015 will be a better, brighter year for both of us.

What Do You Own?

Does anyone recall?  Is it better to be the owner of a lonely heart than a broken heart?  Or the owner of a broken heart than lonely?

And how would you know the difference?

Loving Every Inch of Hedwig's Anger

During mum's most recent trip to the city I decided to splurge on tickets for us to see the Broadway production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch starring one of our favorite actors from Dexter and 6 Feet Under. 

I knew that the show was going to be good - countless friends and reviews had indicated that it was a spectacular show and while nowhere near as intimate as it's previous incarnation as a bar performance in random East Village gay bars, still something to behold.  

Walking out of the theater both my mom and I were completely in awe of what we just saw.  To say the performance was electric would be a vast understatement. I would highly recommend checking it out - and see Michael in it if you can.

 

All By Myself..... Gonna Be....

It was my two year anniversary this month - or rather it would have been if my last relationship had worked out. We had finally begun talking again some but he got upset and decided that we should stop talking.  I suppose it's only fair as I did the same to him when it first came to an end but I was hoping that we could begin to reconnect in some manner.
I often wonder if I should be trying to make some grand gesture to try and salvage our relationship.  There is no question in my heart that we loved each other.  But were we right for each other? Was it the right time for us?  Or I guess to be more honest, was it the right time for him? Being a student and young, without having your feet quite under you yet is a difficult time. When I think of all of the couples who tried to maintain relationships during this phase of their life only to end up breaking up.
Being alone is what I do best anyhow. I know that I am difficult to date myself.
Drunk writing - I don't reccommend it.

Big Changes

There are big changes afoot in my life - hopefully for the best although it's hard to say where everything will net out.  After many years my best friend, along with his husband, will be leaving our apartment.  The Beaverhausen is currently looking for a new occupant although I would be lying if I didn't say that I was worried about finding somebody new.  It's a beautiful place and quite large for NYC, but it's out of the price limits for most and many people in this range would prefer to live on their own or at least with somebody that they know.

Everything was very different a year ago, when I was in love and in what seemed long a solid, long-term relationship. At that time I assumed the two of us would move into the larger apartment and that my good girlfriend would move into my space, or alternatively that we would rent the room out on Air BnB.  

Now that has all changed.  A and I broke up in July after what could only be described as a difficult 2014. I miss him and frequently wish that we could try to work it out, but there is no doubt that being in a relationship was holding him back from pursuing his dreams and I couldn't live with that knowledge.  

My girlfriend is on the cusp of moving to San Francisco to be with her boyfriend of many years and the thought of trying to facilitate an AirBnB situation on my own is daunting, never mind the legal implications.  

One could argue that perhaps it is time for me to consider moving, but I do love it here and have finally taken so many big boy steps in furnishing the space.  It would suck to have to give all of that up.

Finding a new roomie won't be easy considering the time of year and all the factors stacked against me, but for now I'm giving it a try and seeing what comes up.  

Regardless the changes will be significant and it's frightening considering the magnitude. I know I will survive but I am very curious as to what direction I'm headed a month from now.

Into the Gloom - Seattle

Apparently I'm bringing the bad weather with me as I travel!  Seattle was having phenomenal summer, from what I hear, but it's been mostly overcast and rainy since I arrived.  The weather was good enough for a quick trip out on Doug's new boat yesterday afternoon, and we are hoping to do the same tomorrow, but predictions are not favorable. 

Still, it's nice to have an excuse to chill out in Seattle, catch up on CrossFit and check out some of my favorite haunts, primarily on Cap Hill so far.  It's amazing how much it's changed along here, but mostly for the better.

I went out for a bit last night and met up with Junior and his brethren - his sister and brother were both very sweet, and his brother towered over me (and everyone else) at the bar.  He must be 6' 8" or something. 

Doug, James and I got a few drinks with brunch and I did a little retail therapy under the influence, although I don't think there were any questionable decisions made. 

Out of Alaska

Sadly my trip to Alaska is already coming to an end.  The original plan was to stay until Saturday, but since I didn't have Andy with me now and the weather here has been dismal, I tried moving it up until Friday.  Otherwise my trip to Seattle would have been cut extremely short as well. 

Alas, tickets out on Friday were going to cost an arm and a leg and lo and behold, the ticket out on Thursday was not so bad.  So here I am, leaving home 2 days earlier.

I will see my entire family at the wedding in a week and Katie will be meeting me in Portland in a few days anyhow.

Yesterday mum and I took a drive up to Talkeetna - my first time visiting.  The weather wasn't great but it was still a very cool town with a number of fun restaurants and bars.  Supposedly on a clear day you have amazing views of Denali, but that wasn't going to be for us.  Still it was good catching up with mum, shooting the shit on everything from family to movies as per our norm.

On a guess I tested out some of the geographically based dating sites while I was up here.  Not surprisingly, there didn't seem to be much reason to return from a potential 'love' perspective - not that I'm ready for all of that again anyhow.  But was curious as to what the pool around here would be like.  The funniest part was that when I switched it on while in Talkeetna it was all the same people available from Palmer, only further away.  While having drinks with my friends the other night we discussed how Alaska actually has a very racially diverse population but lacking a bit in the 'homosexual' department.  Not a big surprise, and I'm sure there are plenty of fish to be found if one tried hard enough.

Looking forward to catching up with friends in Seattle and Portland, happy to see those that I caught up with here in Alaska (primarily Dawn & Mikael), hoping to catch a few rays of sun down in the Lower 48.

Mad Men Redux

As this series begins to wind down (I believe it's in the midst of it's last season) I decided that I would make revisiting it from the very beginning a priority for myself this year.  Doing so while on a chill vacation home in the great white north, while far removed from the show, has been a great way to make some headway. 

I had forgotten how great the show is, and definitely see the significant influence it has had on my life, especially on my choice in furniture in the newly redecorated Beaverhausen, which could be used as a set for the show.

When Kevin and I were together, one summer weekend he insisted that we try watching the show together from the very first episode.  It was our first binge together, and from what I recall we made it through the entire first season that weekend together.

Charming, thought-provoking, humorous, with a touch of sadness, the show was especially relevant for me at the time as I was a Mad Man myself.  The brutal hours, the heavy drinking, the snarky attitudes.  It was a fun, addictive job, but I must say that I'm happy to be out of the industry working normal hours for sane people. 

Better Than Not

Zolpidem, the generic, my nite cap.
 

The evening Kevin and I split up, as I walked away from him and down the West Side Highway to home, one of my first thoughts was to self-diagnose myself as needing the assistance of Ambien to help me get through the emotional head-trip that would be the next few days and months.
That night I borrowed a few pills from my roomie, and despite the heartache and the head spin I was going through, I still managed a good nights sleep.  I woke suddenly, an hour or two earlier than necessary, not needing anyone to tell me that the effects of the pill had just run their course, nor was my now freed mind going to allow me any additional rest.  So I woke up, got my things ready and went to a morning session of CrossFit.

I continued borrowing these pills from my roomie every night that week and on into the next.  Every night it would be the same - about a half-hour after taking it, in which I would lie in bed, my head spinning, dwelling sadly on the end of my four year relationship, I would suddenly be gone, out like a light.  Approximately 6 or so hours later I would suddenly wake up, feeling fresh and recharged, my head immediately picking up the previous night's spin, my recognition that it was better to just get up and work out than to try and force myself back to sleep.

Not long afterwards I made an appointment with a doctor that a friend had recommended to me - a kind, generous older gay man who seemed genuinely interested in hearing every detail of my sad state of despair.  After providing verbal condolences he wrote me my first prescription for the generic form of Ambient, acknowledging that while not ideal, the damage caused to ones body by not sleeping outweighed the negative habit-forming usage of the drug.  "It's better than not sleeping," he said.

And now, here it is, four years later, and my sleep still appears to be contingent on the little white pill that I have taken nearly every night since that break-up.  During that time I had a 1.5 year relationship which also ended, but even during the height, and most happy moments of that relationship, I continued to use Zolpidem, as the generic is called.

Some people have awful horror stories around their sleep-walking while under it's influence, of feeling groggy the next day.  For me it has been wonderful, ensuring that I get a pretty good nights sleep without disruption or interruption.  For the most part I just need the drug to assist me with falling asleep - once I accomplish this the first time, on weekends where I don't need to get up I can fall back into slumber after the pill wears off and get more than my typical 6 hours of sleep.

However, I do acknowledge that it's a habit that I would like to kick.  So at the beginning of this trip I requested that my dose be cut in half, from 10mg to 5mg, hoping that I could slowly begin to wean myself off of my dependency on it. My doctor has suggested this path, to some degree, for quite some time and I figured that this two weeks off would be an ideal time to test whether or not it will work. 

Of course part of the reason I'm writing this entry is because I woke up so early, hours ahead of everyone else. 

We will see.

The Giver

We went and saw a movie call The Giver last night, which I had high expectations for considering the inclusion of Meryl Streep, and only walked away slightly disappointed.  It was based on a popular Young Adult novel that I was very curious about reading, as it felt like they were trying to cram many different elements from it in and for the uninitiated viewer it was difficult to track all that was happening.

The star, Benton Thwaites, who is apparently out of Australia, was very attractive and convincing in the lead role.I definitely walked away a fan.

There were a lot of heavy themes running throughout the piece, most notably encouraging people to not be afraid to be unique, to celebrate our differences, recognizing that this can bring both good and bad. 

There was a strong anti-pharmaceutical message that rang through the film - part of what enables the society is the drugs they take ache morning, which prevents memories, emotions and the ability to see the colorful side of life and individuals. 

Anyhow, I'm hardly going to turn this blog into a movie review site.  I should add, on a related note, I have finally cut back on my own self-medication.  Update to come.
 

Life - August 24th, 2014

I feel like every post starts out with some lame excuse as to why it has been so long since I last wrote.
So on this two week vacation I intend to make it a goal to do a little writing on here every day.

Now I just need to think of something to write about.

Lame.

It's my first day back in Alaska in over two years.

The last time I was here I came with my friends, Mike and GR, and showing them around the state gave the trip some sense of purpose outside of the standard family catch up. It was also my also my 20 year high school reunion - which was sort of a non-event - a few drinks around a campfire outside someone's home while it rained, only in Seward it wouldn't be called rain, it would just be your standard day - grey, drizzly, cool. Some of my best friends and I also ran the Mount Marathon race, an annual rite of self-destruction Seward-ites visit upon themselves every Fourth of July, an event that until that year did not have an official body count associated with it. This summer would be a different story, although this post is not intended to be about the events that befell the race that summer, I encourage anybody remotely interested to read this excellent story in Runner's World.  On that trip we managed a quick excursion from my mom's new home in Palmer to Denali and back, taking in the 8 hour bus tour into the park.  Prior to Alaska we also spent a weekend in Seattle with my friends, exploring the city.

This will be a different trip altogether, and even more so than when it was originally planned.  When I first bought tickets, it was for two, and I had a boyfriend with whom I hoped to be traveling with, showing him the state in which I grew up, introducing him to the family and friends he had not yet met.  Even as I tapped the 'Buy' button on Orbits, securing our tickets only two months out, I had a feeling that I would be making the trip alone.  Our relationship had been plagued by tension for the last 7 or 8 months, but I hoped that by giving us something to look forward we could flip it around. 

This was not to be so and yesterday I flew out of NYC by myself.  I'll be here for nearly a week, and a mostly quiet week it will be.  I don't have a large number of friends in the state any longer.  My sister Katie is here today, and we will have a small celebration for her birthday, but tomorrow she will back upstate to Denali where she and her boyfriend are spending the summer. 

Since my mom sold the house in Seward this will be the first time I have ever come north in which I will most likely not visit my hometown.  It's 3 hours each way from here, and we are considering making a trip to Talkeetna instead, as I have never been before.  Here is hoping the weather improves.

When I leave Alaska I'll spend a few days in Seattle, staying with Doug and catching up with all of my friends there.  From there I'll do the same in Portland, only Katie will fly down from Alaska and meet me there.  Then the two of us wild drive down to Jenny's wedding, hitting Crater Lake and part of the PCH along the way.

Anyhow, this post is officially 'lame'!  Life is not really all that bad - in fact outside of my love life, all is quite well. 

After a year and a half at Hearst Digital Media, launching a site for Town & Country Magazine and updating the site for Harpers Bazaar, I took a full-time contract position with Penguin Random House publishing, working on integration related activities for the Marketing & Publicity departments.  The work is less glamorous than what I was doing at Hearst, but the people here are amazing, and I must admit that I love working contract, getting paid hourly for the time that I put in and overtime for the extra time I put in.  It feels remarkably rewarding.

My ex-boyfriend and I had actually gotten to a point in which we were discussing moving in together, and because we were so optimistic about the direction of our relationship and since my finances allowed for it, I actually spent a small fortune on furnishings.  Now when you enter you would almost think you have walked in to the set of Mad Men.  The company from which I bought much of my furniture actually did a blog post on my place - unfortunately I was a bit hangover when they came to shoot it so I didn't get around to  staging it as much as I would have liked to, but it still came out great.  The ex and I had only broken up a few days prior and I suppose if he and I had still been together it would have looked much more impressive than it did, but I'm still pretty proud of the article, which can be seen here.

I've managed to get myself back into a morning schedule at Cross-fit.

Anything else?  If it comes to mind, I'll write about it!